On Forgiveness

Yesterday I found myself in an uproar. I was nervous and guilty about underperforming for a job. I was overwhelmed by financial difficulty. I felt burdened and unfit to apply for work-study positions doing menial tasks during precious study hours when I could barely even find enough time to study without that added burden last year. And then, every word of discouragement I had ever heard in the past about not being good enough came bounding back towards me.

After finding my way out of the train wreck yesterday through praying for truth and through being honest with myself and others, I have found that my experience brought up serious issues about forgiveness.

It sounds surprising that my issue over forgiveness wasn't primarily ordered toward myself, but toward those who have hurt me in the past by wounding me with the "you're not good enough" lectures and comments.

When lies come to me, when old wounds that I have forgiven return unexpectedly, I picture that I should say something like a writer once commented that she imagined Adam saying in the garden. When the serpent came up to tell him lies, he should have said--umm, why are you trying to tell me different things about God? Didn't he give me authority to name you yesterday? I feel in a similar place where I should say, "umm lie, didn't I already confess you yesterday, a few weeks/months/years ago?"

Yesterday when I felt inadequate, I found myself rehashing the words of a teacher who said I was lazy when he didn't know my full story. We reconciled and I forgave him. I replayed an older adult correcting my English. I had forgiven that person too. But they all came back.

It makes me wonder sometimes if forgiveness is similar to the soteriological model of God forgiving us. There is a justification-like immediate forgiveness based on who Christ is. But then there is a second tier like sanctificaiton where there is a process to fully reflecting the initial stage. If I have to constantly remind myself of my standing before God when I self-condemn myself or overcongratulate myself, then won't I also need to remind myself of who I have forgiven?

According to this analysis I understand a little deeper that forgiveness may look just as messy as salvation. Just as messy as the Bible's full story about debunking lies of Satan. I'm hoping that next time I hear these voices of condemnation again that it will take me a shorter amount of time to come to the truth by realizing that many of these voices simply need to flee because I've already forgiven them.