On the Lebron James Hoopla

Now I’m a college basketball gal. I don’t do the NBA. But I feel that I can’t help but comment on the recent hype, celebration and griping over Lebron James’ move from the Cleveland Cavaliers to the Miami Heat. And I must say that since I graduated in high school in 2003 (also James’ graduation and draft year), that the NBA has come to have a more direct impact on college basketball. Given that many of my fonder memories growing up centered around ACC Basketball and my Dad being a high school basketball Coach, I find that the ways of the NBA influence have therefore become personal.

So many folks have said, “Oh yes, if Lebron wanted to win a championship, his move to Miami is the right move.” And perhaps this is true. But I want to push back against that logic for a moment. Yes, Lebron is a great basketball player (so I’ve heard). And yes, he’s been able to do a TON of great things—first round draft pick, shoulders a lot of stats, won an Olympic Gold medal (under Coach K mind you). And yes, an NBA championship seems to elude him. And I see nothing wrong in continuing to fight for one, but do we have a “right” to win everything? What’s so horrible about that? It seems to me that life isn’t always like that—where you get to win everything.

The other part of this I want to push back against is that the pursuit of winning means “creating” an undefeatable team. I applaud Lebron for realizing that he might not be able to win on his own. I applaud him for giving the million-dollar check for his “big announcement” to the Boys and Girls Club and taking nothing for himself. But I don’t know if using artificial means to creating a team is what makes a “team” championship so glorious. And I know some of you may want to gag or think I’m being Duke-obsessed, but take a look at how the 2010 Duke team managed to win a championship without real “stars,” but individuals who learned their positions and how to work together. When other people ran off to pursue greatness elsewhere (ie. Gerald Henderson) and the natural loss of seasoned players to graduation, this team became a winning team on their own. Perhaps the only “it-factor” they had was Coach K. I hope that the “new” Miami Heat takes notice of how quickly the star-packed Kentucky team went down during the NCAA Tournament this season.

And as a woman, youth volunteer, former school teacher, and as a mom-type, I just want to say that the NBA folks need to remember that our kids are watching you. While you are living out your dreams, the next generation calls you their superheroes and they say that they want to grow up to be just like you. I hope that you take notice that you help shape our society and have more influence to shape it than others do—in large part because you have a connection to important people, power and financial resources and have a connection to real American people and their hardships. Secondly on this note, be mindful of how your own desires and decisions effect the rest of society. There is the issue of money, consumerism, athletics-as-a-ticket-out-of-the-ghetto mentalities, but it also means that when our kid says, “But Mom I just want be recruited by a college or a professional team…can we please move halfway across the country so I can be on a winning or noticeable team so I can have that opportunity,” that this issue eventually becomes a family issue, a family sacrifice. The pursuit of winning will somehow find its way into our living rooms.

Therefore I urge you to consider the rest of us. Know that the means do not always justify the ends. And please, let us all find completeness in something more than just “winning.”

On Christian Dating

When we hear the words “Christian” Dating, we usually think of the type of dating where it is already agreed upon by a community about what you will and will not do. Of course, the focus usually seemed to be ordered towards “Christian” Marriage. There are many forms of Christian dating, some designed to be more ordered toward marriage (courtship) and some which are oriented toward trying on a variety of people and learning more deeply about other people, relationships and the self while on the way to one day finding a marriage partner. I think what all of these varieties of Christian dating have in common is that sex belongs in marriage—therefore what makes this type of dating different than most others is that both partners will not engage in sexual intercourse even though they both may desire that.

I have definitely seen the range of beliefs on this issue. Some Christians think that any physical activity from kissing, groping and non-penetrative sex is permissible. On the other hand, some believe that one should even wait to have their first kiss in from of the congregation when they get married. Now I do not condone some of what is deemed permissible in that first group.

Although I do agree that Christian dating should be ordered in a way that respects that sex is made for marriage, but I do not think that sex alone should be the consideration of what makes “Christian dating” different from “regular dating.” And if I haven’t made it clear, I think that there should be a definite different. I think what is assumed in Christian dating is that you will date someone else who is a follower of Christ, but I don’t think we fully let those implications of “Christian” impact how we date outside of the sex issue. I’m not necessarily going to prescribe what to do, but I think there are some questions we should be asking ourselves.

What does it look like to be Christian and enter into a relationship with someone else? How do we treat someone when we aren’t interested? How do we look beyond ourselves?

What does it look like once we are in the relationship? How does being Christian affect that? Do we learn patience? Do we learn forgiveness? Do we learn the value of other people? Do we get to build up another person? What do we do when we realize our own selfishness? How do we confront another’s selfishness?

And finally, the one that I don’t think we much give any attention to, but how do we act and be Christians when we are breaking up? How do we treat one another? How do we reintegrate back into Christian community? How do we orient ourselves to understanding that although the privilege of American Christianity is perhaps finding another Church or not having to run into an ex, or having the “right” to ignore the other, how do we live into the reality of that we are both members of the Kingdom of God? I think sometimes we brush off this reality by saying, “Oh, we won’t notice the other person while in heaven, so it is ok.” But what does this mean for bodily resurrection? What does this mean for the Day of Judgment?

Ultimately I think as Christians that we are supposed to look different. I think that people should feel like stopping in their tracks and saying, “Dude, what’s going on over there?” Why do they love each other like that?

Aloneness, Loneliness and Self-Denial (Self-Denial Part 2)

So if the type of self-denial which Jesus calls for and which Paul attempts to describe is to bring a sense of freedom, what in the world does this mean for someone like me who lives alone? I’ll be honest that I do really try to live and be for others even in the times of my aloneness and my singleness, but it is really easy to either despair when others do not also give of themselves (and therefore making me feel like an unpaid laborer) or to even become self-righteous in my attempts of self-denial. Being alone can make one more prone to loneliness, but it is important to remember that we can also feel lonely while in a crowd, a marriage or a Church setting. So I realized that even though self-denial is meant to be other-oriented, I can still practice and receive the benefits of self-denial when I am alone so that it can tackle my loneliness and hopefully keep me from the edge of despair.

Here is a scenario. I hate doing the dishes. Absolutely hate it! I think that the easy answer in this culture is to say that one day I will be married or live in a communal setting where someone will do the dishes out of love for me. I could say I will do the cooking (which you hate, and I love) and you could do those pesky dishes because you either like it or don’t mind it. I could say that we could do the dishes together and experience the fruit of quality time over something that is menial, exchanging the negativity of something I do not like for something that is life-giving like conversation, presence and co-suffering. Or I could realistically say that I would do the dishes, something I hate, out of love for someone else. I could do that as a means of showing my love by doing something I don’t like or I could do it because I don’t want someone I love to have to do something that I would not want to do myself. All of these things are fine and good in themselves, I do believe, but at the end of the day as a single, living-alone person, the dishes are my responsibility.

Currently my dishes are piled up high in the sink and around the kitchen counter. I have a brilliantly mapped out 2 week plan for cleaning the house on my fridge which many other singles (and not-so-singles) compliment me on. But the reality is that I have never accomplished my brilliant plan! It seems that singleness and living alone gives me the advantage of getting to live solely unto Christ and the Church (not a bad thing at all), but sometimes I still think that it gives me the right to live unto myself in a way that compromises my discipleship. Let me take a step back to say that one of the beautiful advantages of living alone is that if there is a crisis at hand (sickness or death in the family) or something of importance that I need to give my time to (research or volunteering with an organization that builds up the Church and the world) then I do not have to worry about keeping the house clean or even functioning for that matter in way that a home with other people may need. But the point that I am trying to make here is that sometimes we can let the freedom of being responsible only to ourselves be a means to keep us from learning to follow Jesus by diminishing our egos.

Granted I know that sometimes the marriage partnership and even communal living can provide certain benefits and various meeting-of-needs that come with mutual submission and mutual self-denial. I also know that the pain of the single (especially when friends are married and find most of their fulfillment in that relationship, other friendships and duties) is the pain of feeling worn out, giving of yourself all day with no one besides God to pour into you while the rest of the world seems to get the fulfillment of God and others. When we get home, we feel justified in saying, “now it’s time for ‘me.’ I don’t want to go home and do the dishes—and I don’t have to because not doing it affects no one else but me.”

If the road of discipleship is self-denial—especially a self-denial oriented toward others—I am obligated to practicing this virtue not only toward others, but to practice it in a way that orients me toward Jesus. I don’t think that necessarily means I should get off my rear and announce to the world that “I am doing my dishes for Jesus,” that just sounds silly and over-religious. But I do think that there may be something to learning self-control as a fruit of the Spirit. What if I were to catch myself when my mind says, “I don’t want to do that.” Or what if I was able to let Jesus save me from the reality of despair in a world of isolation (even when the Church plays into that reality) by saying “Instead of comparing myself with others, I will not grow weary in doing good, I will not grow weary in following Jesus. Rather, I will do those dishes for the very reason I don’t want to do them—because my self-absorbed nature says that I don’t want to do it.” I think that that is a very different reason than saying that I will “pick myself up by my boot straps and do it,” different than “I’m a strong, confident woman who can take care of myself, thank you very much,” and different from saying “I’m an uber-responsible android who believes in doing things perfectly and I will keep myself busy to avoid feeling the depths of my humanity” This is about self-control and dying to the self.

I’m going to try this over the next few weeks. Of course my gut instinct is to always go hard-core immediately, but I think I’m going to start by doing one task a day that I don’t want to do. It might be doing the dishes. It might be cleaning the litter box. It might be writing an email that I fear writing for some reason. It might be turning off the television. It might be heading to the library to get some work done. It might mean taking the time to cook a healthy meal rather than an adequate one. But I’m going to try it…recognizing when there is something that I don’t want to do (which is good for me) and doing it as a means of expressing allegiance to Christ and denial of self.

**Self-denial doesn’t mean not having an identity. If self-denial is the way of discipleship not only because Jesus and Paul said so, but that Jesus also was the embodiment of this virtue (Philippians 2) then it involves acknowledging what you are giving up and what pains you are taking on. It is knowing how much we love a Snickers bar that brings pain when we give it up. It is someone else knowing how much we love that Snickers bar and therefore give it up for someone else to have and to enjoy which communicates our love for that person. This is the beauty of self-denial. I think my current attitude is finding that we can practice self-denial even when others are not around to receive the benefits. I can practice self-denial in a way that will pave the way for better relationships, a better view of myself (because I am not letting my ego get the best of me…and my chores will be done and my home will be prepared when someone wants to come over and is in need of love or if they want to come and love and enjoy me), and ultimately a cleaner heart that can love God better.

***Also, if my gut reaction is to alienate myself from others because of the stench of their self-absorbtion, tackling my own ego problems can be helpful for me. 1) Taking the log out of my own eye first in accordance to Scripture 2) Loving the sinner, hating the sin 3) Re-establishing relationships 4) Gaining humility by recognizing that I do the very things I condemn others for

Independence Day vs. Self-Denial

In the past few weeks, I have poured over issues of the self. I watched documentaries, I read books, I analyzed ethical issues, pondered my own “self” and attempted to find some help from the Scriptures. Now keep in mind that I did not turn over every rock and every stone, but I think I have come to a few conclusions. Yes, as Americans, we have an almost narcissistic view of the self and our discussions of ethics and politics often center on individual rights, thoughts, feelings, ideologies, etc. And as American Christians, we are often no different, assuming that our status as members of a heavenly Kingdom gives us entitlement in various areas. And perhaps the most alarming way in which we argue for ourselves is saying that “we are free in Christ.”

Yesterday, the 4th of July, the United Methodist Church lectionary landed us on Luke 10 and Galatians 6:7-16. Now the passage in Luke concerned Jesus sending out the seventy with a harsh word about how to do “ministry.” The seventy are told to take nothing with them on their journey and to rely on other people to provide for their basic needs. Jesus said that “the laborer” or those sent out “deserved to be paid” for their efforts but his instructions implied that the disciples would both be rejected by some (perhaps those they would expect to provide for them) and accepted and provided for by others (perhaps those they would not expect to provide for them). It demands a roller coaster experience for the ego of being rejected and received (even for our basic needs).

The Galatians passage seemed to give much comfort to those who would easily “become weary in doing good.” I can only imagine that the discipleship roller coaster would bring about such a feeling that could lead to despair and giving up of doing, practicing and being good. But Paul says to the Galatians to not grow weary because there is a real time where the fruit of our labors will appear. And that seems to assume that those who reaped bad things will eventually get their due as well. I wondered what provoked Paul’s words here and I was also struck by the appearance of the word “freedom” throughout the letter—a popular word to notice on Independence Day. When I scrolled backwards from my place in the lectionary passage, I came across Galatians 5:13, which read very differently to me than it had before.

"For you were called to freedom, brethern; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another"

It seems that “our freedom” is not something that is really meant for ourselves, but it is supposed to be oriented toward another. I think this is an extremely foreign concept for American Christians given the suppositions that I highlighted above. It causes one to pause and think, “you mean, I’m not free for myself?” Or perhaps it makes us respond by saying, “I thought we were freed from the law by grace so that we would not have to do things anymore?” I think the answer is a definite “yes” with Paul when he says “It was for freedom that Christ set us free” (Gal 5:1a) but our freedom may not look how we want it to be. I think part of what we forget is that Christ is coming to set us free from ourselves. Our freedom, according to Galatians 5:13 is opposed to the self, the flesh or the old sin-nature which was a preoccupation of self.