Great Expectations

In the past few days, expectations has hit me over the head--but this time, in a positive way. It is fascinating to me how much our lives revolve around having expectations and reacting to them. In the therapy world, there is a lot of talk about the pressure and reality of false expectations. I find it really interesting that we often leave discussions of "expectations" in the realms of dating and sex. These conversations arise out of relational conflict, so it made me pause to think that perhaps "expectations" are present throughout our relationship.

For example, I utterly and completely clash with my family when we go on vacations. I get mad and angry when my precious vacation time is violated. For instance, at the beach I want to sleep in, grab breakfast at home, read all day long on the beach, return for a shower, go out to eat, watch a rental movie and go to bed--and most importantly--NEVER turn on the television. So when I get woken up early, get conned into an afternoon activity or get sucked in by a TV that's left on, I end up feeling angry and resentful. In reality, we simply have different ideas (and therefore expectations) of what a vacation is like.

To avoid the drama this year, I tried hard to state clearly to my family what I wanted to do on our vacation. I even tried to do some flexible planning so that I wouldn't get grumpy and frazzled so that some of my expectations could be fulfilled. I tried to gage from others what they wanted to do as well. Although my attempts didn't work out so well, I think next time I would advocate assertiveness and sharing my expectations and preparing folks for the inevitable emotions that come with unmet expectations.

Now the old therapy discussions of false expectations is real. If you are on a limited budget, you probably can't expect to go on a $100 per person dolphin sight-seeing excursion, but you can use other people to help you identify realistic desires and help others to realize them. For example, if dolphins are what propels the desire then go visit the Aquarium or if its about the adventure, rent a kayak or jet ski.

"Go with the flow" or "just be open" never really works. Just as one of my history professors says that every "unbiased" historian has an ideology, every just-wanna-be-open-person has expectations. I think underneath that attitude is a desire for people-pleasing and stifling ones desires so that they won't be hurt. I think that there are some rare occassions where "going with the flow" is real, but it comes out of a deep desire for abiding with ones company. In that sense, one's expectation is to enjoy and be with people. I don't think that either is a more holy place than the other.

One of the things that I'm finding about being honest about expectations and setting boundaries is that it leaves room for you to enjoy what you have. Having expectations is inevitable, so things become less messy when you can be honest about them. But it also creates room for beauty. There is a bizarre mix of healthy goal-setting and even a more authentic sense of openness when expectations are clear. Acknowledging expectations allows you to truly enjoy something for what it is. For instance, if you say that you want to spend a week reading on the beach or take an excursion then you can not only enjoy those moments, but there is a sense of fulfillment that your goal has been met. Perhaps it didn't radiate every expectation you had for it, but there is a sense of satisfaction of "crossing something off your list" as my friend Katie describes it. And then if you take care of some of your more important expectations, then you have room to explore other things without feeling of loss when your own needs and desires aren't met.

So the word is...figure out your expectations, communicate them, compromise and enjoy :)